9:44 pm - Feb. 27, 2011
bitching about being alone
i've known since i was five that no one gives a shit about me. i resigned myself to doing things by myself. i figured out how to entertain myself (legos and books). i don't mind eating alone. i don't care about others thinking i'm weird. i got used to being alone. i don't know how to do small talk. i'll stand in the corner of a crowded room if i don't know anyone there.
i know i'll be alone for the rest of my life. i know i'll die alone. i don't lead an interesting life and i know people will forget me soon after i'm gone.
i consider myself not worth the trouble. if you want me to come over, call me to say it's alright. i don't want to bug you about it. i know i'm insignificant to others. i know they have lives and friends other than me. i'm usually more of a burden to have around than enjoyable company. i wish i was more interesting.
people treat me like i'm dumb. i'm not. i pretend i'm dumb so they don't think i'm a know it all asshole.
i'm ugly. i know it. i don't need others to remind me. but i still hate "the look." it's a quick glance, then a surprise look, then they look at me again to study me for a few seconds and look away again. i can see the questions. is that a dude or a chick?! if it's a chick, what an ugly girl! if it's a dude, wow, he's ugly. god, i hate that look. i know i'm an ugly girl. i don't ever have the chance to be pretty. make up and doing my hair makes me look like an ugly drag queen, so i've never bothered.
i have plans with an aunt to go to vegas in may. i'm not sure she's very excited that i want to go. she seems excited to be able to go, but i'm not sure if she even wants me there. this is what it's like for me with everything, even family. i'm pretty sure they don't like me or want me around. especially this aunt. i think i've seen her maybe three times, not counting family gatherings, in the last ten years. i get back from iraq and see her more than ever until it turns out the chick she was trying to set me up with doesn't like me. now my aunt could care less if i even exist, just like before.
i could take being ignored by classmates. my family ignoring me hurt the most. i learned not to expect anything from them and i still don't. i'm used to them letting me down. it hurt at first, but now, i just shrug and think to myself, "i knew it all along." i learned to depend on myself. if i want to do something, just go alone because if i wait for others to make up their mind and find time to go with me, it'll never happen. i'm used to everyone letting me down.
it hurts. i pretend to be tough. i'm not. i pretend to not like hugs. i love hugs. i rarely got them growing up. i don't say "i love you" when family says it because i don't think they mean it. if someone means it, i like saying it back. i pretend to be staid and boring, but i love acting like an idiot; i don't have to be drunk to do so. for the few friends i have, i'll do anything for them and i'm still fiercely loyal to my family. most people, i think i could strangle to death and not feel a thing. i'm sensitive and caring. i'm funny. i like to do things, not sit around talking.
i don't know why i have a cell phone. most days, no one calls or texts me. i usually text them and wait for hours for a half-hearted reply. i don't like calling. i don't have very many numbers saved on it. mostly it's people i'm related to. i think there's five people that aren't family. then i have business numbers like my bank.
the cat is my best friend. after that, it's my mom. it's easy for others to say, 'go out and make friends!' it's not easy in this area. everyone knows everyone. if you're not a certain name, you are a nobody and no one wants a thing to do with you. plus, i'm ugly. guys don't want to date ugly girls. girls don't want to be friends with ugly girls. there aren't clubs and social activities other than bars to meet people. bars are expensive.
i know it sounds dumb and cliche and boring: but i'm alone and i know i'll always be alone.
it sucks!
